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Glenn Beck
"Hey, my name is Glenn Beck and I used penises to change my skin color from black to white." ''- Glenn Beck 2011 Glenn Beck is a dog rapist. He has never come forward on his show with hard evidence to refute this claim. The burden of proof is on Glenn Beck to disprove that he did, in fact, at least once poop on a little girl while she was sleeping and then woke her up and made her eat the poop. He is also a confessed rodeo clown. Glenn Beck and Bob Saget raped and murdered a girl in 1990. This was later shown on America's Funniest Home Videos. It is well-known by many anonymous sources that Glenn Beck gave birth to an alien through his anus last Thursday. He was solely responsible for the death of our beloved Zordon, and the survivial of that annoying Alpha 5. Glenn Beck can't run 40 feet without vomiting the corporeal form of ancient pagan gods. This is because his is possessed by ancient evils, and also because his is doughy and pathetically out of shape. Glenn Beck has a parasite in his body that is psychically controlled by an immortal dinosaur. The Revengerists have been unable to locate and capture, punch or pants Mr. Beck due to his being part of the Illuminati, a secret society which coordinates massive conspiracies and covertly disseminates misinformation about their global control. Glenn Beck was too lame to gain entry to this organization, so he just hung around and cried until they let him in. Glenn Beck has had an ongoing battle with internet paleo-conservative and loudmouth pseudo-noun Alex Jones, after some high school bully decided it would be funny to see the two fight for his amusement. They have been battling for the title of CRAZIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. Un(?)fortunately for Beck, Alex Jones is ''actually cray, whereas Glenn Beck is simply cray for pay. He will devote time to the lowest common conspiracy theory, as long as there is sweet GOLD LUCRE in it for him. Meanwhile, Alex Jones spouts a rapidfire seventeen new conspiracies a minute, since he has no sense of self-awareness or reality to stop him. Glenn Beck used to work for FOX news, but after sticking his tongue into Roger Ailes' butthole, he was 'let go' with maternity leave for six months, during which time Glenn Beck was abducted by aliens and used in a Reptilian mind-control scheme to infiltrate every human organization on the planet (except Peta). This was one mind-control experiment too many for the sad little Mormon boy, and his has since forgotton what he was supposed to be doing, and also which hole was his mouth and which hole was his ass. Since these events, every Tuesday at some time before dawn Glenn Beck walks to the park and stands before a tree for 2-4 hours while experiencing some sort of strange trance. Glenn Beck once claimed that he wished cow semen tasted like skittles... so that he could "taste the rainbow" instead of.. you know... cow semen. Glenn Beck secretly voted for Barack Obama. Glenn Beck went to Canada to personally commemorate the ascension of his first removed cousin to priesthood by slamming the man's head on a wet concrete floor and pissing blood all over his clothing. Glenn Beck invented his own language because he needed a way to express his love for the genitalia of female goats without sounding "condescending". It is a problem, English just doesn't express it right. Glenn Beck has repeatedly admitted that he is an idiot. If Glenn Beck goes into his own bathroom with the lights turned out and shouts "Glenn Beck" several times, the spirit of dead conservatives will appear in the mirror and inform him that "liberalism is a disease". This turns him on, but then again, almost everything does, since his is a convicted deviant and sex addict. Glenn Beck claims that he doesn't drink alcohol, because when he does he 'can't get his dick hard' and 'GET IT.' Glenn Beck also has AIDS; he'll never tell you this, because he wants his chances with you to be as high as they can be. His favorite food is orphan tear soup. Glenn Beck said that AIDs was made up, just a plot by Obama to raise Saul Alinsky from the dead. Glenn Beck also claims to have a spirit elf living inside his consciousness who alters his perception of reality on a daily basis. He blames liberal propaganda. He cured that problem by having his "neurochiropractor" hit an iridescent crystal with a hammer into a powder which was then rubbed all over his butt until glittery. He markets this cure as "Liberal-be-gone." Turns out his butt now has the magical power to amplify and manipulate the sound of flatulence. He uses the ability to enlighten women on their "lot in life." Glenn Beck uses the orbits of the planets to gravitationally slingshot himself into space over 300 million miles, hibernating along the journey, until waking himself to begin his slow rendezvous with a comet, which he has now landed on for research purposes. Glenn Beck said so himself that Hilary Clinton is responsible for god's wrath and wants to divert the space projectiles from their course and give God a "healthy dose of republican rationality," which is his semen. The only way for him to do that is to shoot it from his own mouth. Glenn Beck always wears a bra on his head. A team of VFX experts is required to digitally remove it from every shot. They also have to remove Guy Fieri from over 70% of the shots Glenn Beck is on an eternal quest to find the ultimate crack rock. He's drunk all the time and when he's not he's usually rubbing stolen human skin graft skin on his face and ears. Other notable accomplishments: #Announced that he had news that will “rock the nation” and then didn’t announce anything in particular. #Walked around town wearing a gas mask “as a joke.” #Peed in a mop bucket. #Interviewed himself about himself. #Abandoned his pet monkey. #Attempted to auction off “Obama in Pee Pee Jar.” #Allegedly spit on his neighbor’s face. #Imagined himself as the Man in the Moon. #While visiting the Holocaust Museum, said that Holocaust victim Anne Frank would have been a "nice peice of ass" #Nearly caused a state of emergency in Norway. #On evolution, said: “I don’t think we came from monkeys. I think that’s ridiculous. I haven’t seen a half-monkey, half-person yet.” #Screamed “Fuck Bill Clinton!” #Is a future astronaut. In Revengerists Glenn Beck makes mention of villain Missile Blaster from time to time as a point of reference to get his nonsensical points across, which is why no one should ever take him seriously. 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